Nintendo’s Reggie Fils-Aime Arrested on Charges of Spousal Abuse

The Krooze Nest

Insiders Claim Drugs Were Involved

Redmond, Washington-In a tragic turn of events, the President and Chief Operating Officer of Nintendo of America, Reginald Fils-Aime, was taken into police custody late last night. According to the police report, he’s being charged with felony domestic assault and battery. Witness reports state that as he was being placed into a police cruiser, the obviously intoxicated Fils-Aime continually shouted “I only pushed her,” as six officers struggled to keep him under control.

Mrs. Fils Aime was taken to Evergree Hospital Medical Center where she was treated for two broken rips, seven missing teeth, minor cuts, scratches and bruises, and a partially cut off tit. Doctors say it’s a miracle she even survived the encounter with the 270 pound Samoan, who had a long-reaching history of violence prior to his being hired by Nintendo.

Just a Push?

Reginald, known to most as “Reggie,” the pugnacious spokesman for Nintendo’s North American satelite, was born in the Philippines, where he excelled in soccer and track. But in his teen years, experimenting with dangerous drugs such as marihuana and PCP, Reggie developed a reputation for violence.

“One time I seen him bite this dude’s eyeball off,” says Aime’s boyhood friend, Ernesto, who still lives in Honduras, “dude had some pretty buggy eyes or he couldn’t of done it.”

When Reginald began showing these problematic signs, his parents moved with him to the United States, leaving their native Italy behind. “Reggie cleaned up his act for many years,” says the suspect’s mother, Josephine, who was available for comment in the early morning hours following her son’s arrest. “But the call of the drugs was just too strong for him.”

Speculation whether Fils-Aime’s arrest would result in his termination from Nintendo Co were confirmed by an official statement from the Japanese company, due to the liklihood of a lengthy prison sentence for the former Chief Operating Officer.

“We are very saddened by these unfortunate events,” wrote Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata in a letter to the press, “and hope Fils-Aime-san can get the help he so desperately needs with his crack cocaine problem. We also wish for a speedy recovery for Mrs. Fils-Aime.”

Another high ranking Nintendo employee, who spoke under condition of anonymity, said “we knew we were taking this risk when we hired him, but we desperately needed a drug-fueled negro for our American branch, since that’s what all the kids over there are into.”

Mr. Fils-Aimes is to be considered guilty until law enforcement officials can figure out what race he is.

Source: Dissociated Press

The Krooze Nest, News you can t rust


~ by Krooze L-Roy on September 18, 2007.

7 Responses to “Nintendo’s Reggie Fils-Aime Arrested on Charges of Spousal Abuse”

  1. lololol I luv you krooze

  2. Reggie is so badass, I want to be just like him when I grow up.

  3. This article made me bust in an upward direction. what were assumed to be typographical errors turned out to be dry comedy gold. Thanks for the memories.


  5. tried to put a pic. Fuck it

  6. this is complete bullshit, he was born in Haiti you idiot and also he was never arrested.

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