Stoner Games, Volume 1

Welcome, reader, to the 47th Annual Krooze’s Haunt tribute to the illegal drug known as marijuana. Contrary to the misleading title, this feature isn’t about mitochondrial RNA processing, but rather it’s a ramshackle list of videogames that I enjoy playing when I get high. So in other words, this is a top ten list, but without all that unnecessary math. As such, the games aren’t listed in any sort of order, nor will I be limiting myself to a mere ten games. And since writing while stoned is hard work, I won’t be finishing the feature in one go, so you can expect thirty or forty more installments (or “volumes”) over the course of the next sixty or so years.

Truth be told, the vast majority of the content on this blog is written while on various combinations of drink and smoke anyway, but this is a good excuse for me to slack with my normally Hitler-esque editing. In other words, for the sake of playing up the stoner gimmick, I’ve mercilessly silenced the part of my brain that would normally say, “that’s probably a bit much” about certain passages (mostly disjointed similes and convoluted, paragraph-long sentences). But in an ironic twist, this “stonerization” of the English language will probably make this feature virtually unreadable for those who actually are stoned. Perhaps I’m somewhat overestimating the complexity of this groundbreaking piece of literature, but the point I’m trying to make is that the quality (and style) of writing will vary wildly here, so try not to be too alarmed. But whatever, I’m sick of writing, Family Guy’s on, and nobody ever reads these lame introductions anyway. So without further deliberation; LIST GO!

Rez

No such list as this would be complete without mentioning Rez, a game made for drugs, by drugs, and of drugs, so I might as well get it out of the way first. Seriously though, purchasing a copy of Rez from most major retailers will automatically enter your name into a FBI narcotics database and possibly flag you for a preliminary investigation. So, and I can’t stress this enough, pay cash if you buy it.

Two ingredients make the formula in Rez perfect for those hazy days and nights of paranoid abandon. First of all, the play mechanics are super simple. Everything is mapped to just two buttons, and by everything, I mean shooting and using your smart bomb. And that’s pretty much the whole game; you really don’t even move. You dodge stuff by shooting it, and the whole experience boils down to an exercise in prioritizing what you need to shoot first to both survive and score big.

The second and more overt ingredient is the audiovisual presentation. I won’t go into great detail, since it’s pointless to waste my time typing out a description of something that videos are readily available of, but it’s pretty cool. If you’re properly blunted, it’ll immerse you in a way that only bathtubs were previously capable of.

Blaster

This game never received the recognition it deserves. Blaster was poised to be the next big hit from Eugene Jarvis, and it’s actually sort of a sequel of Jarvis’ previous success, Robotron 2084. In a cool twist, the storyline is (rather appropriately) based on the inevitable outcome of any game of Robotron; the death of the human race. You play from the first person view, but the game has little in common with the Dooms and Halos of the world; It’s actually more of an ancestral precursor to games like Star Fox and Panzer Dragoon. The graphics are insanely psychedelic and stylized – seemingly more 60s than 80s in art direction. Sadly the industry crash of 1983 ensured that Blaster never saw a proper full-scale arcade release. Luckily, today you can find it shining on like a crazy diamond on Midway Arcade Treasures, for any of the major last gen systems.

The guy playing in this video totally sucks, so don’t be intimidated. The game really isn’t too hard in the early levels, and there’s a surprising amount of variety and gimmickry to the various stages that make the game very unique to this day.

Neo Contra

Proper Contra games have no tolerance for drug use. Losing concentration for a split second means almost certain death, and slow reaction speed is severely punished. Neo Contra play a bit more gently, and a campy style and goofy tone prevail throughout the proceedings. And one of the bosses is a talking dog. ‘Nough said. Or is it?

Warioware Twisted

The conscientious gamer, after having diligently ingested drugs, is of such a mental state that he or she could watch the programming of Children’s Television Workshop with complete wide-eyed seriousness. So when something as insane as a Warioware game should appear before the gamer, undoubtedly he or she will initially struggle to wrap his or her head around it. This initial culture shock, paired with the inevitable outcome of combining organic retardedness with digital retardedness, can sometimes be too much for those who aren’t adequately prepared. I’ve seen far too many reckless victims of this digital siren end up twitching on the floor, making epileptic snow-angels in their own vomit.However, those who get through this initial trial unscathed are in for a real treat. But what a terrible risk to willingly take.

Tetris/Poker/Pinball on XBox Live

There’s nothing particularly mind-blowing about these games on their own. In fact, in any standard gathering of people, there are few games more sobering than Texas Hold ‘Em. I have hazy memories of attempting to play a few hands in a Reno poker room during a joint/vodka/gambling-fueled joint/vodka/gambling binge. Lots of money was lost, harsh words were bestowed upon me, and it ended up with me being forcibly ejaculated from the casino for reasons that are still a mystery to me.

No, what makes these games stoner games is that, for whatever reason, the only people you encounter while playing these games on Xbox Live are full-fledged pot-heads. The gaps between rounds are filled with the sounds of people utilizing a variety of devices to get high, and it’s not at all uncommon for people to just stop playing and have a full on session for a while, returning to the game later with profoundly diminished skills.

Advertisements

~ by Krooze L-Roy on April 20, 2008.

5 Responses to “Stoner Games, Volume 1”

  1. I love tetris games also space ones, this days video games are getting better

  2. Smoke weed everyday lol

  3. The Katamari Damacy games didn’t make the cut? What?

  4. This is just the first batch. I plan on this being an ongoing feature that I’ll add to periodically, so stay tuned for more.

  5. Thank goodness

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: