Wolverine (NES) Review

Some games just don’t seem to have a soul. It’s difficult for a mere mortal to articulate, but if I had to grasp at a description, I suppose it feels like the game was created without any human spark. Not like some supercomputer designed it or anything, but as if the developers just sooooooo didn’t want to work on it and thus gave it absolutely zero TLC. Instead they filled the game to the brim with a disturbing mixture of indifference, apathy and melena, with an aftertaste of mild resentment.

But to criticize Wolverine for this reason is both unfair and blatantly prejudiced, because it dismisses the needs and preferences of the game’s intended audience; those without souls. So in order to write this review in the proper context, I had get rid of my everlasting soul. Of course, I’m not so reckless as to just up and sell it to Satan; that sort of foolhardiness is entirely unnecessary since my need for a soul-free review is of a temporary nature. I simply rented my soul to Satan.

Of course, by merely lending one’s soul, you don’t have quite the same bargaining power as those who sell. So rather than becoming a melancholy millionaire or gaining an unearthly mastery of the guitar, I only received a small payment. It’s not much, but my soul didn’t have much market value to begin with, so I’m pretty pleased with what I got; a six pack (with one missing) of IBC cream soda. Dee-licious. The Devil also gave me the squirming left arm of Hitler as collateral, but quite frankly it creeps me the hell out.

But I digress. I’ve promised you a soulless review and a soulless review you’ll get. Finally free from my burdensome quintessence, I shall begin:

The graphics are okay. The music is okay. The sound effects are okay. The playcontrol is okay. The gameplay is okay. It’s an okay game, I guess.

I hope this has been informative, and I hope those in the soulless community appreciate me going out on a limb to cater to them. The mainstream gaming press has been neglecting you people for far too long (er… I don’t mean “you people” like that).

For my valued readers who do have souls, all you need to know about Wolverine is that it has awesome box art and music, and awesomely not awesome everything else.

Unfortunately I don’t think the devil returned my soul in quite the same condition as I lent it to him, but you live and you learn. And if seeing nightmarish visions every time I close my eyes is the cost of responsible and unprejudiced journalism, it’s a price I’ll gladly pay. *WITH INTEREST* Whoa, who said that? Oh hey, take this arm back, will ya.

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~ by Krooze L-Roy on July 24, 2008.

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