Square Enix Comes Out of the Closet

Announces Homosexual Protagonists in Next Final Fantasy

Tokyo, Japan-In what could perhaps be deemed a bid to attract gay and transgendered gamers, Square Enix announced yesterday that the two primary characters in their upcoming Final Fantasy XIII, Snow Villiers and “Lightning” are homosexual and transgendered, respectively.

“This is not just to attract attention to our game,” declared Motomu Toriyama, director and writer for the game, “it is an important story element, and will factor heavily into every aspect of the game.”

Square Enix is well-known for having extremely effeminate lead male characters in their games, and while industry pundits have speculated on their latent homosexuality for years, none of these characters have been openly gay. Games have featured gay characters for years, usually in the form of flamboyant villains or comic relief, but with very few exceptions these have been highly stereotypical and offensive portrayals. Transgendered characters are even more rare, but still not unprecedented. Most experts agree that the first game to feature such a character was Ms Pac-man, which starred Pac-man provocatively disguised as a woman. These rare exceptions aside, the release of Final Fantasy XIII will mark the first major video game release to so openly embrace the rainbow lifestyle.

According to Toriyama, the enigmatic Lightning character, previously described as a “female version of Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII” was born a biological male, but had corrective surgery to remove her male genitalia. “But the surgery was performed after she had reached puberty, so she has [an “Adam’s Apple”], which she tries to hide with clothing,” explained Toriyama, who has worked on several previous Final Fantasy games.

Snow Villiers, a physically large, bandanna-clad male character, is slated to be homosexual, though not openly so until several hours into the game. “When he reveals his secret to the other characters, they are divided on how they feel,” Toriyama elaborates, “some accept him and are proud of his courage, while others feel they cannot work alongside a simpering cock-hungry queer.” The fact that Snow is far less effeminate than many previous Square Enix characters would seem to indicate that he belongs to the Kuma, or “bear” subspecies of homosexual, which are typically larger and less limp-wristed than the more traditional Lance Bass-style gay men.

While Toriyama stated that he doesn’t feel an exploitative God of War-style sex minigame was appropriate, he doesn’t feel he can accurately portray the homosexual lifestyle without graphic depictions of promiscuous gay sex with multiple partners. Therefore, in place of a card game, gamers will be able to play a subgame wherein they can collect hazy, guilt-filled memories of sexual experiences with black men in public restrooms. When asked whether AIDS would factor into this, Toriyama hinted that AIDS might manifest itself in the form of an optional boss fight against an immensely powerful giant robot, much like the Ultima Weapon battles in previous Final Fantasies. “But you may need a little help from a special character who possesses great ‘magic,'” he stated with a sly grin. The Krooze Nest can only speculate that this might be in reference to Earvin “Magic” Johnson, the only known person to have ever defeated Ultima AIDS in open combat.

Source: Dissociated Press

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~ by Krooze L-Roy on November 2, 2008.

10 Responses to “Square Enix Comes Out of the Closet”

  1. Oh $hit, this is cutting-edge.

  2. I figured you’d be excited by this, um scoop, PG.

  3. Enjoy the hits.

  4. Furia, keep spreading this one around. Make repeat threads if you have to. People are that dumb. They’ll be all over it.

  5. this thread will .. -.-

  6. you are a fucking moron

  7. TOpic Jokesw

  8. lmao that was hilarios to read. You did a good job making it sound beleivable

  9. Unsuccessful troll is FUCKING UNSUCCESSFUL.

    You spreaded this link on an intermediary to get money from ads?
    Man, get a real job.

  10. Yeah, all these ads I’ve got…

    Have fun with your 9-5, while I retire young from all the money this place makes. /sarcasm

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