LameFAQS: Legendary Axe 2

Hello and welcome to a new feature here at Krooze’s Haunt. This is what I like to call (and I expect everyone else to call) a LameFAQ, which is a not particularly clever dig at the popular website GameFAQs. What a FAQ is, for the uninitiated, is a series of Frequently Asked Questions, such as “what time is it?” The answers aren’t important, as this isn’t Frequently Answered Answers, but if you must know, it’s 2:56 AM Pacific. But of course, at GameFAQS, they customarily don’t actually feature true FAQS, but rather walkthroughs, which essentially are guides telling you how to beat a game since you clearly don’t have what it takes. So that’s basically what this is, the only difference being that I’ll be guiding you through games I can’t, or won’t actually be beating. This is due mostly to chemical inebriation, lack of skill, poverty of persistence – a whole troupe of excuses which I will not be providing you with. The guide will end abruptly when I reach a point I can’t, or choose not to pass (or when I get tired of writing), and after that you’re on your own.

This world debut LameFAQ covers the sequel to the classic Turbografx hack n slash Legendary Axe. Name aside, Legendary Axe really has nothing to do with it’s predecessor. And while an axe is an available weapon, no legends are recorded for this particular axe, and my first duty as FAQer is to advise you to stick with the sword you start the game with.

Level 1

Go to the right and use the attack button to attack the enemies. Avoid any power-ups that look like weapons other than swords. Not that those weapons are worthless, but.. well… Tell you what, pause the game while walking. Notice how your character looks like he has large female breasts. That doesn’t happen unless you’re carrying the sword, so unless you’re a huge homo, stick with the tits.

I probably should have warned you before telling to to pause the game that the select button controls that action. Start button (okay, “run” button, whatever) uses one of your kill-every-enemy-on-the-screen attacks (KEEOTSA), which you probably just wasted. Pick up one of the asterisks in an elipse to get another. Also, I want to show you a trick if you’ve still got one of your KEEOTSAs. Press select to pause, then, while still paused, press start. Now press select again to unpause and watch as your character uses one of your KEEOTSAs despite the fact that you pressed start while pasued. Isn’t that lame?

Anyway proceed to the first boss, who looks endearingly like a frightened tiki god. Kill him the ordinary way and then proceed to level 2.

Level 2

Proceed to the right until the ground stops and you’re forced to drop down a level. Now walk all the way to the left and note that there’s not a damn thing there. Nevertheless, the developers didn’t stop you from going there, making this arguably the first open world game ever, decades before the Grand Theft Auto developers were even born. Proceed through the level until you get to water, then hop in. Notice how the parts of your character below the water line flash. This was to signify that, as in real life, water isn’t completely transparent and makes you flash a little bit.

Sit there and appreciate that for a little while.

For the life of me I can’t remember what the crescent moon, sun and star power-ups do, but collect them as you find them. They’re power-ups after all. Eventually you’ll get to a waterfall and an earthquake will occur. At this point you have two choices, you can either wait a second for some platforms to appear and then painstakingly ascend the falls, or you can freak out and jump down the waterfall. This second option won’t kill you, it’ll just take you down a level and you’ll have that much more waterfall to ascend. See, the developers were looking out for you.

Okay, now I’ve got it figured out: the crescent moon will give you one point of health, the sun will give you full health and the star will extend your health bar a notch. Got it. The boss is a cute giant head who’s hard to hate, but moving on to the third level will regretfully require you to kill him. Just slash away at him wildly, no strategy necessary. Since he’s a disembodied head I suppose you could wait for him to die from lack of blood flow, but there’s no use in prolonging his suffering.

Level 3

I probably should have told you early on that you can kill enemies just by jumping on their heads. Don’t try that with the blobs of goo though, or they’ll stick to you which is just really disgusting and unsanitary.

Throughout this level you’ll be accosted by skeleton body parts, which will burst through the brick walls and flail at you wildly. Unless this is your first video game you should know intrinsically that skeletons are really just looking for attention, so if you’re charitable you can let them hit you a little bit and make a big deal of it. Sometimes dragon skeleton heads will burst through the wall and shoot projectiles at you. I find that these serpentine heads really don’t go well with the other, more humanoid appendages, butI suppose it’s best not to judge.

This level will also introduce you to enemies which will attack you with KEEOTSAs, perhaps unaware that such attacks are traditionally reserved for the good guy, or maybe they just don’t care. Either way, it’s really fucking annoying, and I highly recommend telling them so with your sword.

Near the end of the level you’ll come upon some noticeably more fearsome enemies, who will attack you with swords and push you with their shields into each other in a most unfair and bullying manner. Despite what I said earlier, it might be a good idea to pick up an axe for this segment, since it packs a little more punch than the sword, and these sorts of people only really respond to force. You’ll take a few hits, but one of the last enemies before the boss will drop a full health power-up, as if to say, “no hard feelings, man. We were just fooling around with you.”

The boss here is a lot less likable then the previous two, and even when he bites the dust his weapon will continue to attack you. Form some sort of strategy against him and you should do okay. it certainly helps if you’ve still got that axe.

Level 4

This level is where the game realizes that it’s not suppose to let you just walk around having a good carefree time. It’s like on the forth date when a girl (or boy, I’m not prejudice) starts to stop acting so easy-going and reveal some of the huge character flaws they’d been hiding. In this case, that flaw is “going up,” and that’s what you’ll spend the whole level doing. And of course, some of the platforms have other ideas, and will do the exact opposite when you stand on them, forcing you to “go up” even more if you’re not quick on your feet. All in all, it’s not too bad, but like that forth date, it’s more of a prelude for worse things to come.

Somewhat appropriately, the boss here is a little girl, and like any little girl, enough abuse will make her behave. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but when you beat the boss your character does a funny little touchdown dance off the screen. I suppose that probably did spoil it for you as much as I could with words, but trust me, it’s fairly amusing.

Level 5

Naturally level five is the organic level. Every level five is an organic level. You’ll spend the whole time going right, dropping down, then going left, etc. I guess the developers figured it’d be nice to go down after going up for the whole previous level. A lucky guess, but an accurate one, I assure you.

This level will introduce you to enemies who break themselves into a bunch of little pieces to try to get you, which seems like a rather irresponsible thing to teach kids.

This is actually the first level I lost any lives on. A couple sections gave me fits, and the boss is quite a bit tougher than the previous badniks. But as long as you take the level at a reasonable pace, and are aggressive on the boss, you should pull through. And hell, I’d somehow built up like twelve lives by this point anyway. If you can’t get through this level you might as well kill yourself, since most everything here is pink, and that’s a girl color.

Level 6

This is where that whole “going up” aspect of the game really becomes a hassle. You have to climb up and then scroll over to the left, and if you fall (and you’ll spend like three full seconds falling), it’s a huge pain in the ass to get back where you were. And since the game has a time limit, you’ll be rushing and make twice as many mistakes. And naturally the game throws all the toughest enemies at you, and places them in some really cheap locales. Protip: when you get to the top level, and it’s time to jump to the next platform, first do a little “fakie” jump to trick the enemies out of hiding. Otherwise they’ll shove you off the edge with a lack of respect that’s truly not cool.

You’ll also have to contend with stray lightning bolts. But the way, I see it, that’s pretty much just the will of God, and if He wants you dead so be it. You probably deserve it, like most dead people.

The boss is some sort of rock man flinging handfuls of pebbles at you. Kill him in whatever way suits your fancy. Personally I used a bunch of my KEEOTSAs because he got me down to my last bit of energy.

Level 7

The game switches it up here. The cast of enemies is entirely different, and the level layout is sort of like a repeating maze, which is a cock-block manuver the game hadn’t previously attempted, so you know you’re close to the end of the game. You’ve got to go up and down and all around and there are dead ends and shit. It’s actually fairly tough.

Matter of fact, I think this is the last level. Once you get to the end, the boss from the previous level is standing in your way, unaware that you just killed his twin brother five minutes earlier, or possibly aware of it and with revenge on his mind. Regardless of his motivations, you don’t have to really bother with him. Just charge on past him and you’ll go to the next room, which smells very strongly of a final boss lair.

A dude who looks like you (but with more of an Egyptian flair) waits on a throne and presently begins attacking you in a way that sort of makes you feel sorry for him. He just starts swinging, and every time your swords clash he goes flying. Understandably taken aback, he then tosses a KEEOTSA at you , which you have to destroy before it hits the ground. This goes on for a while (he must have been saving up his KEEOTSAs the whole game) and then he gets in this big suit and starts really attacking you.

I lost my last life right when this final(?) form was flashing red ready to call it quits, and I’m just too damn tired to go through that stupid level again, so that’s pretty much the end of this FAQ. Just do better then I did, and assuming that was indeed the final boss, then hey, you beat it. Good job.

And all thanks to me.

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~ by Krooze L-Roy on November 10, 2008.

One Response to “LameFAQS: Legendary Axe 2”

  1. Damn, I TOTALLY should have called this “Frequently AXE’d Questions.”

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