Obama to Curtail Violence in Video Games

Washington, D.C.-In a press conference today, President-elect Barack Obama was questioned about the policies and legislation his administration would pass during the all-important “First Hundred Days” of his presidency. Curiously, amongst the usual talk of health care and the economy was the previously unaddressed topic of video games. The President-elect surprised the press by announcing plans to confront the issue of violence in interactive media, an issue which had seemingly fallen off the political radar several years ago.

“I look at the games that are force fed to our children today, and what I see is unacceptable,” Obama thundered in his now-familiar baritone. “I see our young Americans, our hope for the future, casually engaging in virtual murder, digital rape, and electronic genocide. This is an unacceptable state of affairs, and we, as Americans, have the right, the obligation, and the duty to prevent it from continuing.”

Though no concrete plans were announced, the violence Obama seemed to be objecting to was primarily human-human violence. “It’s one thing to have squirrels throwing walnuts at grizzly bears, but to have one man doing senseless harm to another man – that teaches the next generation that it’s okay to commit atrocities for the sake of entertainment. It’s simply a crime against the future – against hope – to allow this corrupt [videogame] industry to continue making these ‘games’ with graphic depictions of gun-violence, sword-violence, shoryuken-violence and dark elf shadow magic-violence.”

When asked by a Krooze Nest press correspondent if a wide-reaching ban was in the works, the President-elect sidestepped the question by simultaneously freestyle rapping and performing a card trick. The magic trick was undeniably impressive, but the rap left something to be desired, since the word “change” was repeatedly rhymed with itself, even when “derange,” “estrange” and even “melange” would all have been preferable alternatives. Nevertheless, the crowd was impressed and the topic was changed without protest.

Only time will tell what Mr. Obama has in store for the video game industry, but when contacted, both EA and Activision claimed they were shifting business strategies, and planned to focus exclusively on creating games featuring squirrels throwing walnuts at grizzly bears. The Krooze Nest will work indolently to keep you up to date on this sudden turn of events.

Source: Dissociated Press

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~ by Krooze L-Roy on January 5, 2009.

8 Responses to “Obama to Curtail Violence in Video Games”

  1. what a bunch of right wing bullshit

  2. I’m not sure if this is true. Ive never herd Obama do a rap.

  3. lol fake

  4. OMG I almost thought this was true.

  5. fucking nigger

  6. You are officially the funniest writer in the family.

    I thought this was a legitimate news story until about halfway through, at which point I spit Sprite on K’s keyboard when I read the term “shoryuken-violence.”

    It kinda pisses me off that you’re such a good writer, because it limits my own accolades to “Biggest Nose” and “Head Most Shaped Like An Egg.”

  7. Thanks for the kind words, BFF. Middle f being faggot.

  8. Funny stuff :)

    I think the focus on video games is, because older generations don’t understand games. There is no strong scientific link between games and realworld violence. You only have to look at the low crime statistics in Japan to figure that one out. For more info you can read on my blog. I would really appreciate it if you would share your point of view on my opinion article!
    go to http://gameviolence.wordpress.com/

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