The Krooze Nest News Archive

News You Can t rust

January 5, 2009

Obama to Curtail Violence in Video Games

Washington, D.C.-In a press conference today, President-elect Barack Obama was questioned about the policies and legislation his administration would pass during the all-important “First Hundred Days” of his presidency. Curiously, amongst the usual talk of health care and the economy was the previously unaddressed topic of video games. The President-elect surprised the press by announcing plans to confront the issue of violence in interactive media, an issue which had seemingly fallen off the political radar several years ago.

“I look at the games that are force fed to our children today, and what I see is unacceptable,” Obama thundered in his now-familiar baritone. “I see our young Americans, our hope for the future, casually engaging in virtual murder, digital rape, and electronic genocide. This is an unacceptable state of affairs, and we, as Americans, have the right, the obligation, and the duty to prevent it from continuing.”

Though no concrete plans were announced, the violence Obama seemed to be objecting to was primarily human-human violence. “It’s one thing to have squirrels throwing walnuts at grizzly bears, but to have one man doing senseless harm to another man – that teaches the next generation that it’s okay to commit atrocities for the sake of entertainment. It’s simply a crime against the future – against hope – to allow this corrupt [videogame] industry to continue making these ‘games’ with graphic depictions of gun-violence, sword-violence, shoryuken-violence and dark elf shadow magic-violence.”

When asked by a Krooze Nest press correspondent if a wide-reaching ban was in the works, the President-elect sidestepped the question by simultaneously freestyle rapping and performing a card trick. The magic trick was undeniably impressive, but the rap left something to be desired, since the word “change” was repeatedly rhymed with itself, even when “derange,” “estrange” and even “melange” would all have been preferable alternatives. Nevertheless, the crowd was impressed and the topic was changed without protest.

Only time will tell what Mr. Obama has in store for the video game industry, but when contacted, both EA and Activision claimed they were shifting business strategies, and planned to focus exclusively on creating games featuring squirrels throwing walnuts at grizzly bears. The Krooze Nest will work indolently to keep you up to date on this sudden turn of events.

Source: Dissociated Press

November 2, 2008

Square Enix Comes Out of the Closet

Announces Homosexual Protagonists in Next Final Fantasy

Tokyo, Japan-In what could perhaps be deemed a bid to attract gay and transgendered gamers, Square Enix announced yesterday that the two primary characters in their upcoming Final Fantasy XIII, Snow Villiers and “Lightning” are homosexual and transgendered, respectively.

“This is not just to attract attention to our game,” declared Motomu Toriyama, director and writer for the game, “it is an important story element, and will factor heavily into every aspect of the game.”

Square Enix is well-known for having extremely effeminate lead male characters in their games, and while industry pundits have speculated on their latent homosexuality for years, none of these characters have been openly gay. Games have featured gay characters for years, usually in the form of flamboyant villains or comic relief, but with very few exceptions these have been highly stereotypical and offensive portrayals. Transgendered characters are even more rare, but still not unprecedented. Most experts agree that the first game to feature such a character was Ms Pac-man, which starred Pac-man provocatively disguised as a woman. These rare exceptions aside, the release of Final Fantasy XIII will mark the first major video game release to so openly embrace the rainbow lifestyle.

According to Toriyama, the enigmatic Lightning character, previously described as a “female version of Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII” was born a biological male, but had corrective surgery to remove her male genitalia. “But the surgery was performed after she had reached puberty, so she has [an “Adam’s Apple”], which she tries to hide with clothing,” explained Toriyama, who has worked on several previous Final Fantasy games.

Snow Villiers, a physically large, bandanna-clad male character, is slated to be homosexual, though not openly so until several hours into the game. “When he reveals his secret to the other characters, they are divided on how they feel,” Toriyama elaborates, “some accept him and are proud of his courage, while others feel they cannot work alongside a simpering cock-hungry queer.” The fact that Snow is far less effeminate than many previous Square Enix characters would seem to indicate that he belongs to the Kuma, or “bear” subspecies of homosexual, which are typically larger and less limp-wristed than the more traditional Lance Bass-style gay men.

While Toriyama stated that he doesn’t feel an exploitative God of War-style sex minigame was appropriate, he doesn’t feel he can accurately portray the homosexual lifestyle without graphic depictions of promiscuous gay sex with multiple partners. Therefore, in place of a card game, gamers will be able to play a subgame wherein they can collect hazy, guilt-filled memories of sexual experiences with black men in public restrooms. When asked whether AIDS would factor into this, Toriyama hinted that AIDS might manifest itself in the form of a boss fight against an immensely powerful giant robot, much like the Ultima Weapon battles in previous Final Fantasies. “But you may need a little help from a special character who possesses great ‘magic,’” he stated with a sly grin. The Krooze Nest can only speculate that this might be in reference to Earvin “Magic” Johnson, the only known person to have ever defeated Ultima AIDS in open combat.

Source: Dissociated Press

October 17, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Nintendo to Cease Making Games

Company to Exit Interactive Entertainment, Enter Geriatric Mobility Industry

Kyoto Japan-In an unprecedented and completely unexpected move, Nintendo – makers of the successful Wii console – has announced that the company is shifting its’ focus and will be permanently exiting the video game industry by the end of the year. The Japan-based industry giant declared it’s plans to begin mass-producing scooters targeted at low mobility senior citizens.

“We have been moving in this direction for some time,” stated Satoru Iwata, President and CEO of the company, at a press conference today, “we’ve been openly phasing out our game development for the past twelve years. I’m quite shocked to see so many people with surprised faces.”

According to Iwata, this drastic shift of focus is due in large part to the changing interests and priorities of Shigeru Miyamoto, Nintendo’s aging lead designer. “Miyamoto-san has long been our driving force, and we as a company will follow him to the grave and beyond,” stated Iwata, without so much as a hint of irony.

For decades, gamers have watched as the interests of the 56 year old Miyamoto have matured from mere digital diversions to realistic pet-simulators, and most recently, adult fitness. Nintendo’s successful Wii Fit application was the first sign that the extremely influential developer’s thoughts were dwelling on delaying the inevitable decay of the human body. Now it appears that assisted mobility has superceded such interests, and although Nintendo has revealed no specifics on any product, Miyamoto is reportedly hard at work on what Iwata cryptically referred to as “a machine that will allow aged adults to take back what is rightfully theirs.”

Iwata was very explicit in declaring that the Wii console will be discontinued after this coming holiday season, and that third party developers will be unable to release new software for the system after that point. “It’s ours, we own it, and we can do with it as we please,” were his exact words. When the small audience of press and stock-holders began to murmur in protest, he quickly snapped, “it has never been Nintendo’s policy to care what any of you think.”

He then softened his tone and did his best to reassure stock-holders by saying, “we’re Nintendo, we can afford to do this sort of thing.” But any encouragement this accomplished was soon nullified when he added with a chuckle, “and in a few months, money will be the least of you people’s concerns anyway.”

The Krooze Nest will work diligently to keep you up to date on this startling turn of events.

Source: Dissociated Press

January 25, 2008

New Characters Leaked for Smash Bros. Brawl

Paperboy, Simon Belmont, Pac-man, Chakan, and Jason Statham to be Playable Characters

Toronto, Canada-At a small gathering of industry insiders today, a recently fired Nintendo graphic artist, who chose to remain anonymous for legal reasons, revealed four additional characters that will be featured in the company’s eagerly anticipated next installment in its’ Super Smash Bros series. These additions bring the total number of playable characters up to 28, though the insider stated that Nintendo was aiming for an even thirty by the time of the games’ Japan 31st Japanese release.

The bicycle-riding protagonist from Paperboy , whip-wielding Castlevania star Simon Belmont, Namco’s iconic dot-muncher Pac-man, relatively obscure undead Sega character Chakan, and (seemingly out of place) Hollywood action star Jason Statham will join the mainstay of iconic Nintendo characters, alongside fellow crossovers Sonic and Solid Snake.

The insider stated that Jason Statham’s surprising presence is due to a crossover deal with Lion’s Gate Entertainment, and that the March US release of Brawl is to coincide with the release of Statham’s The Bank Heist film. Nintendo’s Wii will then have exclusivity rights to the game based on the movie.

Chakan, whom most gamers aren’t likely to remember, starred in a game called Chakan: the Forever Man for the Sega Genesis. Whileour informant couldn’t confirm this, we suspect that his appearance most likely signals a comeback game starring the character.

The informant gave no further details regarding the move sets or abilities of these new characters, instead becoming increasingly agitated and difficult to understand as he ingested massive quantities of cocaine during the later part of the gathering. But from what little could be understood, our insider indicated that Batman, Carmen Sandiego, and Black Jesus might also be making in-game appearances. Your Krooze Nest correspondent was forced to leave the gathering early due to persistent diarrhea, so no further information could be obtained.

Nintendo would not return our calls.

Source: Krooze Nest Exclusive

Nintendo Announces Wii Sex

Kyoto, Japan-A concept often joked about on message boards and Youtube, today Nintendo made the shocking announcement that the company is developing a game called Wii Sex.

Details are scarce, but from what little information is available, it’s clear that this game signals a stark departure from Nintendo’s traditional role as a developer of family-freindly products.

What we do know is that the game more or less sticks with the format of Wii Sports and Wii Play, with a collection of wiimote-based minigames representing various activities. Naturally, in Wii Sex these activities are all sex related. While we don’t have a full list of the activities included, we did see footage of two of them in action.

Masturbation for Man was the first game shown. In this game, the Wii remote spiritually becomes a sort of wiinis. Gameplay seemed to revolve around regulating the speed and intensity of wiimote “strokes” (light rhythmic shaking). Stroke it too slowly and your mii avatar will lose his (ahem) enthusiasm, resulting in a game over screen. Pumping too fast, on the other hand, will result in burns and possibly cuts. This too will result in a game over, but with the added penalty that the minigame will then be unplayable for the next day or two.

Gangbang was the other game on display, and contrary to expectations, isn’t team based. Rather, this minigame centers on avoiding physical contact with other gangbang participants of the same sex as well as their bodily fluids. Male gangbangers will attempt to accost your character from behind, which must be dealt with by a swift jab of the remote. Occasionally, another male player will ejaculate in your direction, which will initiate a slowing of time, which Nintendo has dubbed “jizz-time.” Failing one of these jizz-time segments will require you to wash the wiimote several times with cold water before the game becomes playable again.

A wide assortment of sexual fetishes do seem to be in the works. However, when asked about how all-inclusive the game will be with regard to sexual orientation, the Japanese company stated that the game will allow for all “normal and acceptable” sexual orientations. The Nintendo representative then clarified that the only included orientations were “schoolgirl and younger schoolgirl.”

While the game seems to be completely male oriented, it has been revealed that the game is to come packaged with a penile sheath. “That for the ladies,” said the Nintendo rep with a sly grin.

Source: Dissociated Press

Miyamoto Boo-ed off Stage

Boca Raton, Florida-In an occurrence that is sure to raise the ire of long-time video game fans, legendary designer Shigeru Miyamoto was run off a stage amid shouted insults and thrown objects at a recent design seminar. The celebrated 55 year old, known for such genre-defining video games as Super Mario, Zelda and Sonic, was making a rare unpaid appearance as a guest speaker at the Digital Media Arts Center, a Florida-based game design school.

The students, bored by the soft-spoken Japanese man, and unfamiliar with his work, quickly became fidgety and restless, despite Miyamoto’s strained attempts at being humorous. Eventually one student began heckling the famed designer, uttering epithets such as “nerd,” “queer,” and “dork,” under the pretense of clearing his throat. These insults were met with increasing laughter from the crowd, and thus the taunts also increased in frequency.

Shigeru, clearly unused to such abuses, only once offered any mild opposition, quietly stating “please, sir” before attempting to resume his talk. His speaking became increasingly nervous as the name-calling continued, and he continually glanced pleadingly at the School’s Dean, Richard Cram, who offered no help in return, save for an apathetic shrug of the shoulders.

“He was dying up there, but there was nothing I could do,” explains Cram, “my students come first, and if they think he’s a nobody, I think he’s a nobody.”

And the students certainly did think that. “He was standin’ up there like he was important or somethin’” says one student, “but I sure as hell never heard of him.” Another student offers advice, “we don’t care if you worked on Pong or some shit, do something that matters now and we might care.” Yet a third student asks, “do they even have games in China?”

The scene became increasingly tense during the seminar, with Miyamoto visibly choking up and being unable to speak as more and more members of the audience joined in on the heckling. Eventually, the auditorium was in an uproar, and objects began to be thrown at the Nintendo icon, who then fled from the stage looking shocked and humiliated.

After the shamed designer left the stage, the entire audience chanted “you ain’t shit, go home chink” over and over, before launching into a raucous chorus of “USA, USA,” pumping their fists in the air as the chanted. Dean Cram could be seen nodding approvingly in the background.

According to industry analysts, this is a sign of what they call the “mainstreaming” or “casual-ization” of video games. They claim it’s an indication that the industry is healthy and growing. But to the small minority of longtime enthusiasts, the events of the seminar will be remembered as a shameful day in the pages of video game history.

Source: Dissociated Press

BREAKING NEWS: Halo 3 Delayed Indefinitely

Developer Claims Delay is Due to Online Glitches

Kirkland, Washington – Mere days before the release of the highly anticipated Halo 3 for the Xbox 360, developer says the game is being delayed indefinately, due to issues with the online multiplayer.

“We are committed to our fans and we’re committed to the Halo brand, and we simply will not release the game until we’ve dealt with these issues,” says Joseph Staten of Bungie, who speculated that the glitches are viral, as they don’t appear anywhere other than the online multiplayer portion of the game.

The game, as the flagship title for the Xbox 36o, will be a major loss in Microsoft’s holiday revenues, but the company says it supports the developer’s decision to not release the game. Most retailers that we spoke with said that they will issue refunds or store credits on Halo 3’s estimated 1 million presales to customers who request them.

The gitch, which only affects the online portion of the game, is said to be audio-based, and is most likely the work of a talented hacker. It involves annoying high-pitched screeching sounds that become intolerable after just a few minutes.

“What it sounds like is… something resembling a human being, with the most obnoxious voice you can possibly imagine,” says Mark Fife, game tester for Bungie, “the [virus] incoherently babbles offensive nonsense and normal communication between players becomes virtually impossible.”

Bungie, who is at a loss for solutions, allowed the Krooze Nest investigators to play the game momentarily in order to experience the glitch. Immediately, we were informed by a hellish, crackling voice that we were going to be “poned” and that our mothers “suck fat nigger cock.” We had heard enough, and quickly handed the Xbox headset back to the Bungie representative .

Bungie says they aren’t sure when fans should expect the game to release. They say the glitch could be an issue with the game’s fundamental code and that the game might have to be rewritten from scratch. When inquired as to whether the reported glitch might actually be some little bastard child with unsupervised access to online games, Bungie responded by saying, “no one’s that annoying.”

Krooze Nest Exclusive

Sony Announces Playstation 4, 5 and 6 at Tokyo Game Show

Chiba City-In what will go down in history as one of the most shocking announcements in Tokyo Game Show history, Sony announced today that the company will be discontinuing development for it’s Playstation 3 console by the end of 2008 in order to focus all it’s resources on the upcoming Playstaion 4, which will release in the forth quarter of 2008. This comes as a shock to many gamers, especially after the announcement of new pricing schemes for the PS3 just last month at the E3 Media and Business Summit.

“We looked at the market, and realized that we cannot realistically hope to win the current generation console war,” stated Kaz Hirai, President and Group Chief Operating Officer of Sony Computer Entertainment, “so we’re starting with a clean slate, and we will work to avoid the mistakes we made with the Playstation 3.”

The unexpected announcement was made at Sony’s press conference this afternoon, but it was far from the only shocker Sony had in store for gamers. Immediately after making the controversial PS4 announcement, Sony went on to baffle the audience of journalists and industry experts when Hirai then announced that the Playstation 5 would release by the end of 2009.

“We looked at the market, and realized that we cannot realistically hope to win the next generation console war,” stated Kaz Hirai, President and Group Chief Operating Officer of Sony Computer Entertainment, “so we’re starting with a clean slate, and we will work to avoid the mistakes we made with the Playstation 4.”

Hirai stated that while he sympathizes with gamers who might feel cheated by these events, he feels that the Playstation 6 will more than make up for any disappointment they experienced with the Playstation 3, 4 and 5. The audience began to chuckle at this statement, mistaking it for a joke, until President of SCE Worldwide Studios Phil Harrison took the stage and began to play a real-time demo of what he claimed was a Playstation 6 prototype.

While the demo was undeniably impressive, some concerns did arise as to it’s authenticity. For one, Mr. Harrison appeared to be using a Wii remote spray painted black. This became even more conspicuous later on when Harrison lost his grip on the remote and it could clearly be seen that his palm had black paint on it.

The graphics shown were also very much in question, as it was extremely obvious that Harrison was simply waving his arms around wildly as random footage from the Matrix was shown.

The Krooze Nest will work diligently to keep you up-to-date on any further developments in this shocking turn of events.

Source: Dissociated Press

Nintendo’s Reggie Fils-Aime Arrested on Charges of Spousal Abuse

Insiders Claim Drugs Were Involved

Redmond, Washington-In a tragic turn of events, the President and Chief Operating Officer of Nintendo of America, Reginald Fils-Aime, was taken into police custody late last night. According to the police report, he’s being charged with felony domestic assault and battery. Witness reports state that as he was being placed into a police cruiser, the obviously intoxicated Fils-Aime continually shouted “I only pushed her,” as six officers struggled to keep him under control.

Mrs. Fils Aime was taken to Evergree Hospital Medical Center where she was treated for two broken rips, seven missing teeth, minor cuts, scratches and bruises, and a partially cut off tit. Doctors say it’s a miracle she even survived the encounter with the 270 pound Samoan, who had a long-reaching history of violence prior to his being hired by Nintendo.

Just a Push?

Reginald, known to most as “Reggie,” the pugnacious spokesman for Nintendo’s North American satelite, was born in the Philippines, where he excelled in soccer and track. But in his teen years, experimenting with dangerous drugs such as marihuana and PCP, Reggie developed a reputation for violence.

“One time I seen him bite this dude’s eyeball off,” says Aime’s boyhood friend, Ernesto, who still lives in Honduras, “dude had some pretty buggy eyes or he couldn’t of done it.”

When Reginald began showing these problematic signs, his parents moved with him to the United States, leaving their native Italy behind. “Reggie cleaned up his act for many years,” says the suspect’s mother, Josephine, who was available for comment in the early morning hours following her son’s arrest. “But the call of the drugs was just too strong for him.”

Speculation whether Fils-Aime’s arrest would result in his termination from Nintendo Co were confirmed by an official statement from the Japanese company, due to the liklihood of a lengthy prison sentence for the former Chief Operating Officer.

“We are very saddened by these unfortunate events,” wrote Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata in a letter to the press, “and hope Fils-Aime-san can get the help he so desperately needs with his crack cocaine problem. We also wish for a speedy recovery for Mrs. Fils-Aime.”

Another high ranking Nintendo employee, who spoke under condition of anonymity, said “we knew we were taking this risk when we hired him, but we desperately needed a drug-fueled negro for our American branch, since that’s what all the kids over there are into.”

Mr. Fils-Aimes is to be considered guilty until law enforcement officials can figure out what race he is.

Source: Dissociated Press

September 17, 2007

GTA IV Assigned AO Rating by ESRB

Violence “Too Lifelike” Says Ratings Board

Toronto, Canada-In yet another example of the Entertainment Software Ratings Board (ESRB) cracking down of violent content, it was announced today that the board is issuing Rockstar’s upcoming Grand Theft Auto IV the much-maligned AO rating. This comes mere months after the ratings board issued Manhunt 2 (also by Rockstar) the then-unprecedented rating. “This is clearly a personal attack on our company,” said Sam Houser, president of Rockstar, “we were extremely careful [in designing GTA IV] to avoid the things they nailed us for with Manhunt”

The announcement was made at a press conference called by Phil Proctor, Chief Executive and Master-of-Ratings for the ESRB. “The violence depicted in the game, we felt was much too lifelike,” said Proctor. “The realism, the feelings it gives a person… it made me feel [at this point Mr. Proctor’s eyes glazed over and his vocal intonation became noticeably flat] …strange.” The master-rater then stared blankly into air for a prolonged period of time, before walking away from the podium without any further address. The press conference was ended hurriedly without a question and answer segment.

Source: Dissociated press


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